“Where have you been?" “Haven’t heard from you in a while…” “No time us anymore?” “Come out, we haven’t seen you in forever!”“Are we still friends?" Its that time again, spring is just around the corner and everyone’s eager to socialize before summer is in full swing. These days, I wake up to at least one of these messages every week. At first, I thought it was me, that this was my fault, that I was the root of the problem. Am I being selfish? Am I not making the time ? Am I in the wrong here? Then, I snapped to my senses.
I am nine weeks away from finishing my 5th and final year of post-secondary and I’m the busiest I have ever been, in my entire life. My desk is usually in shambles, my mind is going a thousand ideas a minute and to be quite honest, I probably wasn’t listening to your story because I was daydreaming about getting home, finishing my to-do list and laying in my freshly made bed for 6 hours, if I’m lucky.
I spend most of my time, in class. When I’m not in class, odds are that I’m doing class work. When I’m not doing that, I’m at my job trying to finance it all, or as much of it as I can. The rest of my time? Well… I’m grindin'. I freelance in a number of disciplines on the side, because that what I enjoy doing. Some would say that I’ve spread myself far too thin, but from where I’m standing, I’m doing what is necessary to live, that life.
You know, THAT life. The one where your day job isn’t just a paycheque but like, something you’re passionate about. The one where the people surrounding you are inspiring and motivating by nature. The life where growth is mandatory, hard work does actually pay off and the concept of a grey cubical doesn’t even exist, not even in a near by universe? Yeah, that life. Self made. Constantly creative. Fulfilled. I want that shit, and I want it bad. Do you know how you live that life? You embrace selfish tendencies.
I am selfish… Well, with my time, my attention, my energy at least. To some, this makes me a horrible person who doesn’t answer their messages or ignores their snapchat or what have you. To me, its damage control. Pushing myself and holding dissimilar priorities from my peers does not make me a selfish person. Ending relationships that I do not find compelling, satisfying or inspiring, does not make me a selfish person. Being alone, saying no or not responding in record time to ones queries, does not make me a selfish person.
Do you know what does make you a selfish person? Demanding someones time. Making decisions for them. Assuming they'll be around to help you with your needs when you’ve never helped them with theirs. Guilting people into “friendship.” Making them feel bad for staying on track and not breaking their focus on their goals and deadlines. Belittling their potential because you can’t see their vision clear enough to understand it. Feeling like people owe you something for your attention… Or expecting an apology or anything less then a negative reaction to any of the scenarios listed above.
So, I stopped worrying about being selfish, because the bottom line is, that I’m not. I just want that life. I am determined. I am imperfect but I'm growing. I am letting the space between where I am and where I want to be, light a fire under my ass. I don’t have time for those who don’t know that I want that life, because if you wanted it as badly as I do, you’d understand it’s not about you.